Monday, June 28, 2010

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Fortune Cookies Are True!

James and Amber, who were in town last week, shared a profound truth that I'd never considered before. I'd always laughed at the literary pablum you find in fortune cookies, but James pointed out that the only problem is that each fortune lacks its two ending words: "in bed".

It's amazing how the addition of these two simple words makes every single fortune dead-on accurate.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Frankly Speaking

I've told you about Frank before, a man of incredible wit. Twenty years later, Frank and I again find ourselves working in the same department. But sadly things are a bit different now. Just three months ago Frank buried his beautiful, charming wife. Her beaming face still graces the picture frames in Frank's office. So it was that, early this morning (as I was headed to the printer) I met Frank in the hallway. And as we met, I (mindful of Frank's terrible loss) found myself at a loss for words. The only sound I managed was...

Bob: {sigh}

Frank: Bob, there's no sighing allowed this early in the morning. Heavy breathing is way too strenuous first thing in the day.

Bob: But what if you do something particularly brilliant? Can I gasp in amazement?

Frank: Oh sure! It's not like that Bill Clinton thing --- inhaling is always permitted.

I laughed, grabbed my print-out, turned and walked back to my office. {sigh}

Saturday, June 19, 2010

This Will Be Awesome!

I understand you can see this trailer in 3D in some theaters where Toy Story 3 is showing.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Airport Chit-Chat

We were at the airport at 5:00 AM, 45 minutes before the flight was going to land. Joyce commented as a young couple walked by...

Joyce: Newlyweds!

Bob: Okay, how do you know that?

Joyce: It's obvious.

Bob: They're just walking down the concourse. Why is it obvious that they're newly married.

Joyce: Well, for one thing they're talking to each other and smiling -- being very tender toward each other...

Bob: So people who've been married a while can't be loving...

Joyce: I didn't say that. But you didn't let me finish.

Bob: Sorry, so what are the other clues.

Joyce: They're talking and smiling, and ... he's wearing plaid and stripes.

Bob: So?

Joyce: She'll break him of that before too long.

Bob: But I dress funny, so then I guess we must still be newlyweds too.

Joyce: When was the last time you bought yourself a shirt?

Bob: Uhhh, welllll. ... Yeah, I guess I am housebroke. Hey, James and Amber's plane should be on the ground by now. I'd better call and tell him we're at baggage claim.

(I got James's voicemail, so I left a cheery message informing him where we were. Then after a few minutes my phone rang ...)

Dad: Hi, James! You guys must be about to walk up -- I see folks coming into the baggage claim area now.

James: Uh, Dad. We're not at DFW. Our flight leaves today. We arrive tomorrow morning.

Dad: Oh -- Well, uhhh, then I guess we'll see you tomorrow.

Joyce: They aren't here?

Bob: Nope, let's go to Cracker Barrel for breakfast.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Can Y'all Keep a Secret?

Years ago, while James was visiting Andy and Lauren in Ohio (back when Lauren was pregnant with our granddaughter) and he just happened to be snapping photos in their kitchen, he inadvertently took a shot of their refrigerator, which just happened to have magnetic letters spelling out baby names. Thus, long before Andy and Lauren got around to announcing the baby's name we knew the short list of possibilities.

Well, as it turns out Lauren is again expecting just right when James is visiting. So before James and Amber headed off for their Alaskan vacation, we reminded James to let us know if they found any interesting names magnetized to the fridge. Sure enough our spy has come through for us. James emailed us a picture just this morning, so now we know the potential names for our first grandson!

Because I'm completely confident that none of my readers would dare tell Andy & Lauren about our spy sharing their tightly held secret, I feel safe blogging about our discovery. Feel free to share your opinions about your preferences among these names.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Ain't It Great?

Ain't antisemitism great? I mean, where's the downside?

To me (as it was to dear old Papa Joe Kennedy) antisemitism means ...
  • Not ever having to bother with rational thinking;
  • No need to ever examine yourself for moral flaws;
  • Giving your darkest impulses full vent while smugly claiming superiority over those who are your betters;
  • Always having a ready patsy for the consequences of your bad decisions;
  • But best of all, antisemitism means ... defaulting on your debt to the God of Israel -- and thus assuming your rightful place as the final arbiter of "right vs wrong".

As John Lennon (or was that Vladamir Lenin?) used to urge us: "Imagine!"

Imagine Passover leaven, bacon cheeseburgers 'n fries;
The only bris in hubris, not e'en reform rabbis.
Imagine no Yom Kippur -- having our own way.

Imagine there's no Israel, no People God did choose;
No one to gas at Auschwitz, none of those pesky Jews.
Imagine nosy Yentas gone from all the world.

You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
I hope someday you'll join me -- my world will be mine to run.

Imagine no Hebrew Bible; I wonder if you can.
No Heebs or kafir Yahoodi from here to Pakistan.
Imagine Muslim brothers living life in peace.

You may say that I'm a dreamer, and I'm not the only one.
I hope someday you'll join us -- Allah's world will live as one.

Ain't antisemitism great?

Thursday, June 3, 2010