Saturday, October 23, 2010


Just this week Fearless Leader shared with a gathering of $15,200-per-plate Democratic Party contributors:
"People out there are still hurting very badly, and they are still scared. And so part of the reason that our politics seems so tough right now, and facts and science and argument does not seem to be winning the day all the time, is because we're hard-wired not to always think clearly when we're scared."

Ah, that clears it all up. It's fear that's clouding my understanding of all the good the government is doing! So then, we (the 70% of America who oppose the government bail-out of investment banks, the nationalization of the automobile and mortgage investment industries, ObamaCare, Cap & Trade, trillion-dollar stimulus packages, ...) just need to get a grip on our natural fight-or-flight inclinations and start trusting the virtuous elite (by which I of course mean "those who rely on 'facts and science' -- unlike the rest of us, the 'fearful' rabble -- I mean the George Soros aristocracy that occasionally uses a paltry $15K of its windfall of government stimulus money to promote Obama's agenda"); we need to trust that virtuous elite to have our best interest at heart.

On second thought, maybe I'll just join the "fearful" rabble:

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Tracking Underwear

Joyce: Bobby, have you been changing your underwear everyday?

Bob: As far as I know, I haven't been changing anyone else's.

Joyce: I just did a load of laundry that had four pairs of my underwear and one of yours.

Bob: Was it a white load?

Joyce: Yeah ...

Bob: So maybe I've been wearing the colored underwear you bought me?

Joyce: Oh, right. Never mind.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Lunch With James

Years ago we used to go to Romano's Macaroni Grill fairly regularly. Every eating establishment has its own rituals, and there at the Macaroni Grill they always made a production of bringing out fresh bread, pouring olive oil onto a little plate and then grinding pepper over it. You were then to dip the bread in the peppered olive oil. So as the waiter was busily grinding pepper over our little olive-oil plate, nine-year-old James chose that moment to demonstrate his reading prowess over the tall bottle that the waiter had just set down in front of him. James intoned, "Extra virgin olive oil." That, of course, had to be followed up with the obvious, "What's virgin mean?"

Not wanting to involve our pepper-grinding server in what could prove a somewhat delicate family discussion, I deflected the question by turning it back to James, "What do you think virgin means?" He didn't know, so I rephrased, "Well, are you a virgin?"

"No! I'm a Texan!"

Friday, October 8, 2010

I Can See Narnia From My Back Yard!

In 3D! This will be awesome!

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Riddle This

Our son Andy and his charming wife are expecting their second child any day now (a boy), but Andy is being a bit cagey about the name they've selected. He's given a few clues:

A Riddle:
We played a game one night that included your future grandson's full name. All I will share is the final score of the game: 164. If you figure it out, please let others have a try until the birth.

Figuring 164 would be pretty good bowling score, I guessed the the baby's name must be Brunswick.

Joyce emailed Andy these guesses:
Fredrick Charles

But all those guesses were wrong, so Andy gave us another clue:
Your proper name rule assumption is keeping you from using the right game.

So we figure the game must be Scrabble.

Based on that assumption, we've come up with this list of names that are legitimate Scrabble words. (Please feel free to offer other suggestions as comments.)

Al        an East Indian tree
Alan      a large hunting dog
Alec      a herring
Argus     an East Indian pheasant
Art       an aesthetically pleasing arrangement
Ash       to convert into ash
Baker     one that bakes
Basil     an aromatic herb
Ben       an inner room
Benjamin  benzoine
Benny     an amphetamine tablet
Biff      to hit
Bill      to present a statement of costs to
Billy     a short club
Birch     to whip
Bob       to move up and down
Bobby     a policeman
Bolivar   a monetary unit of Venezuela
Booker    one that books
Boxer     one that packs boxes
Brad      a thin nail
Bud       a undeveloped plant part
Burton    a hoisting block
Buster    one that breaks up something
Carl      a peasant
Carter    one that carts
Carver    one that carves
Chad      a scrap of paper
Charley   a fool
Charlie   a fool
Chase     to pursue
Chevy     to chase about
Chico     a prickly shrub
Chuck     to throw
Cisco     a freshwater fish
Clarence  a closed carriage
Clay      to treat with clay
Clement   merciful
Cliff     a high steep face of rock
Cooper    to make or mend barrels
Dagwood   a large sandwich
Dale      a valley
Dalton    a unit of atomic mass
Davy      a safety lamp
Dean      a head of faculty
Dexter    situated on the right
Dick      to copulate with
Dickens   a devil
Dirk      a small knife
Don       to put on
Duke      a high ranking nobleman
Dusty     full of dust
Earl      a British nobleman
Ed        education
Eddy      to move against the main current
Ford      to cross by wading
Frank     honest and unreserved in speech
Franklin  a medeival English landowner
Fritz     a non-functioning state
Garvey    a small scow
Gene      a hereditary unit
Gilbert   a unit of magnetomotive force
Glen      a small valley
Graham    whole wheat flour
Grant     to bestow upon
Guy       to ridicule
Hale      healthy
Hank      to fasten a sail
Hansel    to give a gift to
Harper    a harpist
Harry     to pillage
Hector    to bully
Henry     a unit of inductance
Herb      a flowering plant with a non-woody stem
Herby     abounding in herbs
Homer     to hit a home run
Jack      to raise with a type of lever
Jacky     a sailor
Jake      all right, fine
Jay       a corvine bird
Jean      a durable cotton fabric
Jeroboam  a wine bottle
Jerry     a German soldier
Jesse     to fasten straps around the legs of
Jimmy     to pry open with a crowbar
Jocko     a monkey
Joe       a fellow
Joey      a young kangaroo
John      a toilet
Johnny    a sleeveless hospital gown
Jordan    a type of container
Joseph    a woman's long cloak
Josh      to tease
Kelly     a bright green color
Kelvin    a unit of temperature
Ken       to know
Kent      knew
King      to reign as king (a male monarch)
Kip       to sleep
Kit       to equip
Kitty     a kitten or cat
Kris      a short sword
Lance     to pierce with a lance
Lars      Roman gods
Lee       to shelter from the wind
Leno      a style of weaving
Levy      to impose or collect, as tax
Louie     a lieutenant
Louis     a former gold coin of France
Mac       a raincoat
Manly     like a man
Marc      the residue after a fruit has been pressed
Marcel    to make a deep soft wave in the hair
Mark      to make a visible impression on
Marshall  to put in proper order
Martin    a small bird
Marvy     marvelous
Mason     to build with stone or brick
Matt      to produce a dull finish on
Maxwell   a unit of magnetic flux
Mel       honey
Merle     a blackbird
Merlin    a European falcon
Mick      an Irishman
Mickey    a drugged drink
Mike      a microphone
Miller    one that mills
Milt      to impgregnate with milt (fish sperm)
Milty     full of milt (fish sperm)
Mo        a moment
Molly     a tropical fish
Morgan    a unit of distance between genes
Morris    an English folk dance
Morse     designating a code used in telegraphy
Mort      a note sounded on a hunting horn
Nelson    a wrestling hold
Nestor    a wise old man
Newt      a small salamander
Newton    a unit of force
Nick      to make a shallow cut in
Norm      a standard
Otto      fragrant oil
Palmer    a religious pilgrim
Parr      a young salmon
Pat       to touch lightly
Peter     to diminish gradually
Pierce    to cut or pass into or through
Ralph     to vomit
Randy     lustful
Reed      to fasten with reeds (the stalks of tall grasses)
Reg       a regulation
Rex       a king
Rich      having wealth
Rick      to pile hay in stacks
Rob       to take property from illegally
Robin     a songbird
Rock      stone
Rocky     stony
Rod       to provide with a rod
Roger     a pirate flag
Rusty     covered with rust
Sanders   one that sands
Shaw      to show
Shawn     an early woodwind instrument
Shea      an African tree
Smith     a worker in metals
Sol       the fifth note of diatonic scale
Sonny     a small boy
Spencer   a trysail
Stew      to cook by boiling slowly
Sue       to file suit or a boy named...
Tab       to name or designate
Tad       a small boy
Ted       to spread for drying
Teddy     a woman's undergarment
Terry     an abosrbent fabric
Texas     the uppermost structure on a steamboat
Thatcher  one that thatches
Timothy   a European grass
Toby      a type of drinking mug
Tod       a British unit of weight
Tom       to behave like an Uncle Tom
Tommy     a loaf of bread
Tony      stylish
Troy      a system of weights
Turner    one that turns
Van       a type of motor vehicle
Victor    one who defeats the enemy
Wally     something visually pleasing
Ward      to turn aside
Warren    a place where rabbits live
Watt      a unit of power
Webster   a weaver
Will      to decide upon
Willy     to willow
Wilt      to become limp
Woody     resembling wood

Friday, October 1, 2010

Grandma Goes Hunting

Joyce was visiting Awkward Family Photos and came across this image:

That compelled Joyce to pose the question, "So how the heck did a raccoon get into her house in the first place?"

Of course, I (always ready with an answer to any question my beloved might pose) replied: "Isn't it obvious? The 'coon fell into the septic tank and found the only way out was through the sewer pipe. Gramma had just dropped her drawers and was sitting down when she felt the tickle. Quick as a wink she was up and grabbing the .22 from over the medicine cabinet. The blast caught the soaked 'coon just as it was fixin' to leap from the commode. Dead-eye Gramma plugged the varmint square between the eyes, but (from that close of a range) the bullet passed clean through the 'coon and slammed into the back of the toilet bowl just below the tank. With a mighty roar the bowl exploded into a million shards and ..."

"Or it crawled in through an open window, maybe?" Joyce countered.

"Oh don't be ridiculous."