Friday, June 1, 2012

A Troubling Experience

I had a troubling experience recently, so I need to ask advice about how I should have handled the situation: "What would you do if someone got right in your face, grabbed you by the nose, said something unintelligible and then laughed at you?"

I just smiled and said: "NOSE!" (since it was my 16-month-old grandson who did that to me).

Sunday, May 6, 2012

A Question for Yu Darvish

So tell me, how do you abbreviate "Laugh Out Loud" in Japanese?  ROR, maybe?

Saturday, March 17, 2012


Joyce: How do I share this video?

Bob: Is there a "share" button somewhere?

Joyce: Yes.

Bob: Try clicking on it.

Joyce: It doesn't do anything. ... Oh wait, there's a dropdown thingy.

Bob: So choose "Facebook".

Joyce: No, I think I'll post it on Twitter. ... Darn, now it gave me a blank screen that says it can't connect to the server.

Bob: Try clicking on the "refresh" button.

Joyce: That's what I've been trying to tell you: Microsoft upgraded me to version nine without asking and there's no "refresh" button on the new version of Explorer.

Bob: What's that button next to the red "X"?

Joyce: That's just the circle-arrow thingy.

Bob: Oh, well then, I guess I can't help you.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

It's in the Bible

At Bible class tonight we were reading from Second Samuel chapter three. The pastor paused for a moment at the end of verse fourteen: "And David sent messengers to Ishbosheth Saul's son, saying, 'Deliver [me] my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for an hundred foreskins...'"

Inga, a kindly 90-year-old widow, interrupted to ask a nagging question: "How long is a hundred foreskins?"

Seeing that Inga had mistakenly assumed that a foreskin was some ancient measure of time (like a fortnight or something), I jumped in to set her straight: "About five feet."

Monday, January 16, 2012

Inquiring Minds Want to Know

Yesterday, while driving home from church, a burning question suddenly sprang into my head, so of course I had to pose it to my loving bride: "If the abbreviation for 'First Lady Of The United States' is FLOTUS, what does that make our current 'First Lady Against The United States'?" Joyce was duly impressed by my insightful question, but sadly she was unable to give me a satisfactory answer.

So I (being the incessantly inquisitive person I am) have been mentally gnawing on this bone ever since. Luckily, I'm not merely incessantly inquisitive, I'm also technically savvy -- savvy enough to know that ever since Al Gore invented his Information Super Highway (a.k.a., the Interweb), finding answers to such stuff is as easy as typing a word or two into "The Google". You wouldn't believe all the fascinating things you learn when you enter "FLATUS" into The Google.

For instance, check out this out-of-this-world story.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

The Revolution to Come

A former colleague of mine emailed me this article with the comment: "I'm not sure what to say about this." But I did. So I wrote him back...

There are three categories of people:
  1. Those who believe the government can provide all their needs,
  2. Those who've previously placed their faith in government (but have come to realize that their man-made god is untrustworthy), and
  3. Those who've always believed that government tends to attract ambitious, power-hungry scoundrels who abuse power to promote their utopian agendas. (Those in category 3 also tend to understand that most dangerous of these scoundrels are those who seek the "greater good", since their conscience is unbothered by the evil they do in their quest to "help the downtrodden".)

All those in category 1 are clueless, but will eventually end up in category 2.

Those in category 2 will join the French Revolution (a disorganized mob that riots in hopes of tearing down their disappointing idol and erecting a new more worthy god). If this revolution is successful, it will destroy society.

Those in category 3 will join the American Revolution (an organized citizenry that defies a government that presumes to have divine power). If this revolution is successful, it will restore the government to its proper limited role.

So the question isn't whether America is pre-revolutionary or not, but whether those who presently oppose our god-like government want a new god or a law-abiding government.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

A Word to Congress

I have a proposal for the debt-limit crisis that ought to please both President Obama and everyone in Congress (except, of course, that crazy tea-party rabble). I propose: Rather than haggling over some incremental increase of a mere few hundred-billion dollars, why don't we just increase the Congressionally authorized national debt limit to one bazillion dollars?

As I see it, the figure of "one bazillion" has two great advantages:
  1. Lawyers can endlessly quibble over the legal definition of the word "bazillion", and
  2. The Obama Administration can spend virtually without limits between now and election day.

You see, regardless of whether a bazillion ends up being defined (decided in the Supreme Court by a 5-4 vote) as what comes after a centillion (10306) or a centillion-centillion (10606), given that the best estimate for the number of atoms in the universe is a mere 1080, it's a pretty safe bet that there aren't enough clunkers for the government to buy or enough banks & auto manufacturers to bail out for Obama to spend a bazillion dollars between now and the next election.

Of course, if the Democrats win control of both Houses and the Presidency in 2012, then all bets are off for 2016. But that's not an issue for now.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

What I Learned from a Four-Year-Old

Today our granddaughter sang us a song:
The E-I-E-I-O ---
Yes, that's the book for me.
I stand alone on the Word of God,
The E-I-E-I-O.

And then she had this conversation with her mom:

Mommy: So Abby, what have you written here?

Abby: That's Rapunzel.

Mommy: So B-F-O-A-B-Y-R-S-G-I-D-A spells Rapunzel?

Abby: It's in Spanish.

Saturday, June 4, 2011


I know I'm a bit late in posting this, but if you can't make the festivities in Collinsville this year, be sure put it on your calendar for next year.

Be be forewarned: A banana split with a sprinkling of horseradish --- not the best.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Wifely Jealousy

Bob: Good dog, Tifa!

Joyce: Are you hugging Andy's dog?

Bob: She's leaning on me and I'm petting her.

Joyce: I saw you; you were hugging the dog! I am so jealous!

Bob: There's no need to be jealous, dear. C'mon -- group hug!

Saturday, May 21, 2011


Joyce and I have three sons (Andy, James and Ben). If I hadn't been there myself, I'd never believe they were all drawn from the same womb. Their differences are best explained with a pithy story.

During the summer of 2000, we visited the farm (the home of Joyce's mother's family in central Illinois since the 1870s). One morning Ben (12 years old at that time) and I went for a bicycle ride down to the grain elevator, about a mile away. Once we'd absorbed all the wonders the Galesville elevator has to offer, Ben and I pedaled back to Grandpa's, where we found Andy (18) and James (13) in the front yard mystifyingly facing a large bush.

So Ben inquired, "Wucha doin?"

Andy matter-of-factly explained, "Pickin greenberries."

James innocently corrected, "No, we're picking the black ones!"

Ben eyeballed Andy and sarcastically intoned, "Nice try."

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Premature Gesticulation

Today President Obama announced that Israel needs to immediately withdraw to its pre-1967 Auschwitz borders. But I think old Barry has jumped the gun a bit here. Since the Rapture isn't supposed to happen until this Saturday, the Antichrist really should have had the decency to wait until Sunday to reveal himself.