Thursday, November 22, 2007

Let's Remember ...

I was preparing a Bible lesson for this coming Sunday when I came across a rather striking passage in the "Minor Prophets", one of those passages you probably won't be hearing in your typical Presbyterian Church service:

Zephaniah 1:13-18 "Moreover, their wealth will become plunder, and their houses desolate. Yes, they will build houses but not inhabit them, and plant vineyards but not drink their wine."
v14 Near is the great day of the LORD, near and coming very quickly. Listen, the day of the LORD! In it the warrior cries out bitterly.
v15 A day of wrath is that day, a day of trouble and distress, a day of destruction and desolation, a day of darkness and gloom, a day of clouds and thick darkness,
v16 A day of trumpet and battle cry, against the fortified cities and the high corner towers.
v17 And I will bring distress on men, so that they will walk like the blind, because they have sinned against the LORD. And their blood will be poured out like dust, and their flesh like dung.
v18 Neither their silver nor their gold will be able to deliver them on the day of the LORD'S wrath. And all the earth will be devoured in the fire of His jealousy, for He will make a complete end, indeed a terrifying one, of all the inhabitants of the earth.

This inspired passage from God's Word brings to mind that inspiring tune from the Bellamy Brothers:

"Jesus is Coming"

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Fried Squirrel

Gradual Dazzle at "Anywhere But Here" has been posting about "skwerls". Reading one of the posts reminded me of a conversation I once had.

I work for the local power company. Whenever there's a power outage, it's the duty of the repair crew to determine the cause of the outage (wildlife, tree branches, lightning, underground cable failure, etc.) and then report it so we can take counter-measures to prevent that kind of outage from recurring.

So I once asked a lineman, "Do you ever have a case where you can't figure out what caused the outage?"

He fired back, "Oh sure. That's why you always carry a throw-down squirrel with you."

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Ronald's Secret

Years ago, when Joyce was serving hamburgers, our two pre-school boys made a great show of lifting off the top bun and scraping off all that yucky stuff. When Joyce asked, "Don't you like hamburgers?" they protested, "We love McDonald's, but you put too much junk on the hamburgers you make -- especially onions! We can't stand onions on our hamburgers. Onions are so bad they make you wanna frow up."

Hoping to improve her burgering skills, my beloved inquired, "So then, what's so good about McDonald's hamburgers?"

In unison and without hesitation, they divulged Ronald McDonald's secret formula: "The rice!"

Joyce countered, "But there's no rice in the burgers at McDonald's."

"Sure there is. Just lift the bun and you can see the rice sprinkled all over the meat."

Then it registered, "Ohhhhh! That rice!" (a.k.a., chopped onions.)

Monday, November 5, 2007

A Texan Goes to Heck

I apologize for passing off someone elses joke without giving due credit, but this one (which just floated into my email in-box without any byline) is too good not to share. So with that confession of plagiarism:

A Texan dies and goes to Hades. It’s terribly hot, of course, and everyone there is sweating and suffering. Except the Texan. He’s just laying back and smiling. "What’s the matter?" says the Devil. "Isn’t it hot enough for you?"

"Just like a spring day in Amarillo. No problem!" replies the Texan.

The next day the Devil turns the heat way up and everyone is really suffering now. Except the Texan. Still smiling. "You mean it’s still not too hot for you?" asks the Devil.

"Just like a summer day in Laredo. No problem." says the Texan.

The next day the Devil decides to really fix him. So he turns the temperature way down. It gets very cold, starts sleeting and snowing, and icicles start forming. Everyone is freezing to death. Except the Texan. "I don’t get it." says the Devil. "Doesn’t the cold bother you either?"

"Nah, the way I figure it," says the Texan, "the Rangers must have just won the pennant!"

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Feel the Power ...

Klingons and Romulans are best of buddies compared to the animosity between Star Trek and the Star Wars fans. I try to stay neutral on such matters (especially at work where I don't want to upset our resident Klingon warriorette, but that's a whole different story). As I say I try to stay neutral, but my sons (on the other hand) have always been clearly in the camp of the Jedi, though I often fear they've succumbed to the power of the Dark Side. (You might say I have Sith sense about that -- but only if you like really corny puns.)

I believe it was Mel Brooks's classical flick, "Space Balls" that turned #2 son James to the "Down Side of the Schwartz" sometime around age 12. Thereafter, Star Wars became the cool source of Brooks's parody. So one day (when James was in eighth grade) I called home in the evening to let Joyce know I was on the way. James answered so I gave him my level-best James Earl Jones: "This ... is your father." And young Skywalker, of course, answered back: "Nooooo! Noooooo!"

From that point on it was the same routine, every single day all the way through high school ... and the joke never got old.

But one can't always get to deliver the punchline. James was never our most graceful child (though as James would put it, "Oi got bettah"), but during one of his clumsier growth spurts he happened to be walking by the counter that separates the kitchen from the livingroom and somehow managed to hook the heal of his shoe under a barstool and caused it to topple. To all appearances (since he hadn't actually banged into anything) the stool had just rolled over on its own as he strode past.

His older brother Andy looked over at James and opined, "The Force is strong with this one."