Friday, July 11, 2008

Advice to Men

The ladies have helpful hint columns in almost every newspaper, but where are the "Hints from Hank" or "Dear Andy" columns for us guys? So as a service to you guys among my vast readership, I offer the following household tips.

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Buy your wife a complete set of Snap-On® pneumatic tools for her birthday. When she starts bawling (as women always do), look exasperated and say, "But you said, 'I don't want anything with a power cord'!"

3. Never have to do laundry again. If you're married, simply don't bother sorting whites from colors, and be sure to add powdered bleach to every wash load.

4. To avoid arguments with the woman of the house about the toilet seat, use the sink.

5. To get rid of your wife's yapping Pekinese, praise it and feed it liver whenever it relieves itself on her shoe rack.

6. If you want to avoid ever having to take your girlfriend back to some expensive restaurant, just crack the door of the ladies' room and throw in a rat.

5 comments:

Jerry said...

Ah ha, the voice of experience....

joyce said...

pneumatic tools come with cords, don't you mean cordless tools??

since you mention a Pekenese and a girlfriend, are you living a double life?

James said...

No no... Pneumatic refers to tools that are cheap because they were owned by a person with some for of pneumatic disease that caused them to loose interest in his tools because his doctor said that they would cause reinfection so they had to go and the city now has a burn ban because it is summer so why the hell not sell them on ebay or out of your garage.

JDP said...

The only one I have been brave enough to try is number 3. I can vouch that it works like a charm.

JDP

Bob said...

JDP--
Let's just say, I'm not as bold as one might assume from reading this list of hints.

James--
A bit random, aren't we?

Joyce--
Pneumatic tools do not have power cords; they have air hoses. If I'm living a double life, the other one is way duller than this one.

Jerry--
Experience? I have no clue what you're talking about.