Monday, October 1, 2007

Mandeville Shores

Almost two years ago in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, the church my brother Roy attends in far north Dallas sent construction materials and work crews to Louisiana. I went with Roy's crew to Mandeville where we did repairs to a flooded church. The main chapel sits on piers, so it was mostly spared, but the annex (which sits on a concrete slab) was filled with muck, so everything four feet and below had to be gutted. Before we returned to finish the job a few weeks later, Roy decided to send out a flier inviting people to join us. He asked for suggestions on how to word the invitation, so I submitted the following:

Mandeville Shores Resort Hotel is located in the heart of Mandeville, Louisiana - just a leisurely stroll from the placid shore of rainbow-surfaced Lake Pontchartrain. Yet it's only a short ten-to-twelve-hour drive from the shops and restaurants of Frisco, Texas. You'll find a vacation at Mandeville Shores the ideal therapy for those who just want to get away from it all!

Resort guests can expect a subtropical climate, trees laden with Spanish moss and storm debris, and all the ambience this petrochemical-rich region has to offer. Mandeville Shores is a favorite among blue-collar vacationers and is renowned for its atmosphere filled with minerals and natural fiber (gypsum grit and sawdust). Your delectable meals will be filling (and occasionally even warm) -- the finest cuisine Sam's Club has to offer, prepared as only a RadarRange can.

During your activity-filled days, you'll feel absolutely liberated from those frivolous resort diversions such as scuba diving, snorkeling, sailing, fishing and guided eco-tour excursions. Rather, you'll be engaged in productive activities that are sure to aid you in achieving that trim figure you've always wanted. For the skillful, there's on-the-job training on the proper use of power tools. For the semi-skilled, hand-tool practice and weight-lifting. For the arthritic, therapeutic exercise. For the cerebral ... uh ... a well-deserved break from mental exertion.

After your activity-filled day, at nightfall you'll retreat to your spacious semi-private suite where you'll be serenaded by the stentorian pulmonations of your fellow vacationers. Your abode of worshipful repose will be elegantly simple -- unencumbered by extravagances such as a kitchenette, dining area, shower, cable television, telephone, Internet connection or bed. You and your Christian brothers will sleep in a quaint chapel (that was flooded only as high as the baseboards), and slumber on a cloud of air (if you remember to bring your air mattress and a pump). And this lovely stained-glass-windowed sanctuary is just a short nature walk from the nearest hygiene facilities.

Come join your fellow laborers in the Lord's field - "the fields are white unto harvest" (well, at least white unto drywall dust).

I have no idea whether Roy actually used my travel brochure (but I kinda doubt it).


Hula Doula said...

oh I LOVE it. See, I would have come for a visit. Granted I think I would have enjoyed the trim figure before I went but at least it would have been helpful in achieving that goal.

CavMom said...

I hope he did use it. Your wit added some much needed humor to a grave situation.

Your writing style is refreshing.

Hula Doula said...

Still waiting for your next brilliant piece

Hula Doula said...

It's only because I love your writing so much that I come and nag you to write another brilliant piece...again...yet again...and again.