She's Leaving Me for Good

I knew it would happen someday. Eventually Joyce was bound to leave me and return to her relatives. But I never dreamed the relatives would be our own kids. And it's lucky for me Joyce is leaving after I go to work tomorrow and she'll probably be back before I get home. My bride is on a mission -- fetching a twin bed from Lawton Oklahoma -- for lo, James's tiny apartment isn't big enough to hold both the old twin and the new queen-size. Besides this old house can use the extra furnishings, seeing how nearly all the bedding that once abided here has wandered away with the children.

The delivery of a bed to a near newlywed reminds me of a story -- our going shopping with my mom at Sears (the same Sears store at Five Points in El Paso where we used to jerk Santa's beard every December). Anyway, this shopping excursion was years after we did the investigative journalist trick on old Saint Nick. Roy and I were now both in college. We were over in the furniture section where Mom was shopping for a bed for my oldest brother Joel who was soon to be married. The bed was selected -- Roy and I were standing beside Mom at the register. Mom just had to share her news with the sales clerk, "This bed is for my oldest son who's getting married."

The sales lady (clearly intrigued by this information) inquired, "What kind of casters would you like?"

Mom gazed toward the ceiling, deep in thought. Finally she looked over to Roy and me, "Should I buy the regular casters or the heavy-duty ones?"

Then without waiting for our reply (as if simply verbalizing the question made the answer obvious) she became resolute, "We'd better get the heavy-duty ones -- you know how Joel likes to pounce on things."

Simultaneously Roy and I smacked our foreheads and Mom blushed, "You have such filthy minds."

But back to Joyce's finally leaving me -- tonight she was watching a clip in which Ben Stein enjoins everyone to get a dog. Joyce turned to me and said, "If I should get in a traffic accident tomorrow and God takes me to heaven-home, be sure to get a dog."

I of course answered, "You mean to tell me dogs can do laundry?"