Sunday, May 10, 2009

Heck Hath No Fury ...

I married an evil woman. No, it's worse than that. I married an evil vengeful woman. You (my tiny readership) may remember how I stuck my foot in it the other day by inquiring about Joyce's hormonal issues and then blogging about it the next morning (last Monday). Well, you can save your pity. That woman I married has evened the score.

Later that day I got an email from Joyce that was supposed to contain a link to a photo of our future daughter-in-law's (Amber's) wedding dress. It didn't. So when I asked her to show me the dress, she said, "Oops, I deleted that email." And she then proceeded to tell me this big story about how she was worried that James might accidentally find the email if he borrowed her computer while home on the weekend.

So (and here's the juicy part) I told Joyce, "Well, then please have Amber email me a photo of the dress." Get it? My evil bride enticed me to order her to bait and set my own trap. So on Tuesday, I received an email from Amber with the subject line "The Dress" and this embedded image:

I asked Joyce, "Is that really the dress she's picked out? Is she pulling our leg?" And Joyce (as every dutiful wife should) gave me wise counsel, "No, Amber's not at all deceitful -- I think it's best if we just tell her how much we love everything." {Please note: Joyce spoke absolute truth. Amber wasn't trying to trick us; Joyce was tricking me. In fact, (just as Joyce said) Amber was very bothered that she had a part in deceiving me. Joyce? Bothered about deceiving the guy who blogs about her menopausal issues? Not so much.}

So as I was saying, I recognized the good sense of Joyce's advice and replied as tactfully and positively as I could to Amber's sharing her choice of wedding gown (as any good father-in-law-to-be should): "James will love it! I can't wait to see his face when you come down the aisle," which I thought sounded heaps better than, "Girl, you have got to be kidding!"

So here we were this afternoon gathered in the living room, honoring the mother of my children, when Amber commented to Joyce, "Don't you think it's time we explained?"

Joyce replied, "No, we don't want to spoil the surprise."

I asked, "What are you talking about?"

Joyce laughed, "The wedding dress."

So I immediately counseled, "No, it's bad luck for the groom to see the dress before the wedding."

For some odd reason, this particular pearl of wisdom only caused Joyce to laugh harder, a laugh that was so infectious that even Amber joined in.

Amber then insisted, "We really need to tell him."

I protested, "No, let James be surprised."

Joyce laughed all the harder and James asked, "What are you talking about?"

Sensing that the cat was just about out of the bag, I jumped in, "Nothing, James! Just ignore Mom." This caused Joyce to laugh even harder.

Finally, Amber could take no more and (looking straight at me) asked, "Did you you actually believe I'd wear a hideous dress like that?"

After my feeble brain sorted all this out (and Joyce made full confession that she, not Amber, had cooked this up), all I could say was, "Sweetheart, you got me good this time."


joyce said...

Got you good. I did not used to be able to keep secrets.

I almost wish we could have kept this one going until the wedding---oh, to see your face as Amber walked down the aisle in a white dress instead of the "patriotic" one.

When you saw Amber in the real dress, I might have whispered one word, like, "rosebud" or "menopause".

And I really did delete the pictures just in case James saw them. He might have a funny face at the wedding, too, expecting a different dress. But, like the Secret Service, we could have thrown him off with "she changed her mind."

It was so funny---and you just couldn't believe you'd been tricked!

But, don't blame Amber, she was feeling bad for tricking you. And wondering why you would think that she would want to dress like Wonder Woman Bride. I, on the other hand, just couldn't resist!

I want to always remember your small, squeaky voice the other night, when you first saw the "patriotic" dress, and you said, "Are you SURE this is the dress?" "Okay".

And I was able to even deceive you further with, "... we both know James prefers the Texas flag, but we can't tell Amber that because she has picked this one."

I was bad. I hope Amber forgives me for using her email to trick you.

Bob said...

Tell the truth, now. You're still miffed about that Christmas letter in which I talked about your yeast infection, aren't you?

Jerry said...

I think that the safest course of action is to say nothing.


joyce said...

Ah, yes. Thank you for reminding me. Yes, I probably need therapy for that one. I can still hear you laughing and laughing and giggling and giggling as your wrote that famous tome. Or, should I say, infamous? That was way back before blogging was invented. The Christmas letter of 1996 Hale-Bopp was that same year....

Bob said...

Yeah, both Comet Hale-Bopp and your yeast infection did feature prominently in that Christmas letter. That letter was a masterpiece, wasn't it?

joyce said...

Too bad you don't have a copy of the Christmas Letter to share.

But, you have this fantastic memory, so I am sure, if you ponder on it, it will all come back to you.

Mother's Day is becoming our day to play tricks on each other. I remember that Mother's Day in 2000 when we drove down to College Station and ate at Wendy's.

Bob said...

That College Station trip wasn't much of a trick on Andy. He figured out that we weren't headed to church long before we even hit Waco.

joyce said...

Oh, don't forget my suggestion that we get you a red-white-and blue tie to go with the patriotic theme. I think that is how the confession came up this afternoon. Amber was talking about teal dresses for the bridesmaids, and that is when I remembered it was time to come clean. You still need a new suit, and new cowboy boots. And a teal tie...which you will wear proudly, even though it could have been red, white, and blue.

Bob said...

Forget the cowboy boots and teal tie -- at the wedding, I'm going for a Pat Boone look. White patent leather shoes, white suit, white tie -- and maybe a red carnation for a little color.

BTW, can you remind me again what the difference between teal and aqua is?

joyce said...

Teal is one of my colors. My Mother held swatches of colors up to my face, and determined I was an autumn, and teal is in my colors.

And my Mother's wedding dress back in 1955 was teal or aqua---so we have come full circle.

I think of aqua as having more green in it, and teal more blue---but I am sure your readers know better.

Pat Boone, huh? Sounds more like a suit you'd find on a Mafia gangster. But, what do I know?

Bob said...

Yeah, with a black shirt and a scar Pat Boone could be Mafioso.

Bag Blog said...

Yeah Joyce!

Buck said...

Heh. Women always win. Always. Either that or I'm dumber than the proverbial rock. I like to think it's the former.

Burkulater said...

I say, practical jokes are good for a marriage. Even if one were to, say, sneak tofu in place of chicken and watch her meat-and-potatoes husband scarf down two BIG helpings.

Mrs. Who said...

It speaks well of the future d-i-l that she partakes in vengeance like this.

joyce said...

the title of your post is so funny and then the picture of THE dress. Makes the dress look furious.

Tofu? Burkulater---please share the recipe! Reminds me of the time Bob insisted food is food, why, he'd eat ANYTHING for supper. So, I set out tubs of yogurt.

Bob said...

Food's food -- but yogurt is something entirely different. (You and Burkulater really shouldn't conspire against your husbands like this -- at least not on my blog.)

joyce said...

But, dear, we just like keeping you well as on your toes...