Friday, April 10, 2009

Words of Wisdom From Jack Handy

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

The face of a child can say it all ... especially the mouth part of the face.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because ... man, they're gone.

To me, boxing is like a ballet ... except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.

Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what? Can't we all be brothers?

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seems that way.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait ... I guess that's like a regular window.

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had antlers.

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, "Why did they believe me?"

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

Before you judge a someone, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.

5 comments:

leeann said...

I use the keys into the lava thing a lot.

Gladys said...

Bob it's like you have climbed into my brain and are writing my thoughts. Are you a mind reader? What am I thinking now? and now? and now? and now?????

Buck said...

heh. Handy is a minor hero of mine, as is his protege (after a fashion)... Emo. One of Emo's better things:

"What is eternity? You're on the checkout line at a supermarket. There are seven people in front of you. They are all old. They all have two carts and coupons for every item. They are all paying by check. None of them have ID. It's the checkout girl's first day on the job. She doesn't speak any English. Take away fifteen minutes from that, and you begin to get an idea of what eternity is."

OK... he ain't as brief as Handy. Given. And "brevity IS the soul of wit."

Jerry said...

I'm sure that this one grated on your engineer sensibilities:

Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what? Can't we all be brothers?

This one was my favorite:

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

(What does that say about me?!?)

Bob said...

Jerry--
True, we can't all be brothers, bro. (I too see a disarmed world as an easy target.)

Buck--
Were but eternal hell like that.

Gladys--
No clairvoyance, just old material from Jack Handy.

Leeann--
Wisdom is nothing if not practical.