Warning Label

I went for a physical yesterday and got my blood-pressure-medication prescription renewed. Of course, my sweet wife Joyce is concerned about my health, so I wasn't overly surprised when I opened my email today and found a note from her advising me of all the terrifying side effects associated with the use of Diovan:
abdominal pain, allergic reactions, back pain, blurred vision, cough, diarrhea, dizziness, fainting, fatigue, headache, joint pain, low blood pressure, nausea, rash, runny nose, sinus inflammation, sore throat, swelling, swollen mouth and throat, upper respiratory infections, vertigo, viral infections.

As much as I appreciate Joyce's concern for me, I was a bit puzzled about what good this information is. Then it occurred to me that the warning label can be put to excellent use. It makes a pretty nifty little song (to be sung to the tune "The Rose", made famous by Bette Midler)

Diovan ... can cause reactions,
can put you fast asleep,
swell your mouth, cause infections
and coughing way down deep,
headaches like a skull incision,
and cause your nose to seep.
Diovan ... can blur your vision --
and Lord, it sure ain't cheap.

It's the cough with diarrhea
that makes you fill your pants.
And infections resp'ratory,
your romance don't enhance.
It's the throat all sore and swollen
that cannot seem to spit.
Only urge to purge your colon
will make you give a shit.

Then there's sinus inflammation,
rash, fatigue and aching back,
fainting spells, chronic joint pain,
dizziness and dental plaque.
But that pill, when I swallow,
when I gulp and down she goes,
keeps my blood pressure normal
and then ... so I blow my nose.