Thursday, July 17, 2008

... Give Peas a Chance

There we sat, five boys with legs dangling from our chairs -- scowling at the piles of peas Mom had just heaped onto our plates. Sure we had other non-green starches and proteins loaded onto the china, but peas? Bleccchhh!!!

Then Mom left the dining room to busy herself in the kitchen while Dad was still busy in the bathroom.

From across the dining table I saw Roy reach up and pick up a pea with his thumb and forefinger. He then did something totally unexpected. He poked it up his right nostril. Then with his left forefinger he covered his left nostril and with one mighty snort, voila! The pea that had been so recently buried in Roy's schnoz splattered very happily back on his plate.

Without a moment's hesitation four more peas immediately embarked on nasal maneuvers.

Joel: Snort! Splat!

Bobby: Snort! Splat!

Charlie: Snort! Splat!

Bart: Sniff!

Brothers All: "No, no, Bart! You've got to blow it out of your nose, not sniff it in!"

Bart: Sniff! Sniff!!!

Silly two-year-old Bart just couldn't master the proper technique - he just kept sniffing all the harder.

Mom reappeared, "What are you boys doing?"

In unison (just as good children are always supposed to do) we dutifully reported Bart's misconduct, "Bart shoved a pea up his nose!"

Mom sighed deeply and peered up Bart's nose. Then (placing her thumb against the unobstructed nasal cavity) she cupped her hand and commanded, "Now blow! ... No! no! Don't sniff! ... Blow!!!"

It was no use. Bart was now panicked by Mom's panic and only sniffed even harder.

To this day, I'm not sure where Bart's pea went, but one thing I know: My baby brother has survived the ordeal just fine.

Happy birthday, Bart! How's it feel to have have finally turned three - seventeen times over?

15 comments:

Jerry said...

It's a wonder that any of you survived to adulthood.

"Visualize Whirled Peas"

Mrs. Who said...

LOL at Jerry!

Mrs. Who said...

And happy birthday to Bart.

LadyBugCrossing said...

OMG! That's hysterical!!!

Roses said...

And that is why we youngest siblings always got you elder siblings in trouble for everything!

Because somewhere in the past, a pea went up our nose and you all bailed on us.

Uh huh.

(You started it.)
::runs away::

Chicka said...

Heh... I remember when my nephew did that and we just smooshed it in his nasal cavity so it'd come out rather than obstructing.

We wuz smarter than we thot.

BTW, Happy Birthday Bart!

Bob said...

Chicka--
If you wuz smarter than you thot, just think how much smarter you'd be if you didn't think at all. (Don't think about that too hard.)

Roses--
You younger siblings can run, but we big kids are faster. (Well, used to be.)

Ladybug--
Yeah, the only thing funnier than ballistic peas is ballistic pee, but that's a different story for a different time.

Mrs Who--
Laughing at Jerry's jokes is like making faces at monkeys. It may be fun, but they really don't need the encouragement.

Jerry--
I defy you to prove that any of your wife's brothers made it to adulthood!

Bag Blog said...

How many times through the years did you have to sit on him until he quit crying and promised not to tell mom?

diamond dave said...

Actually I don't mind the snow peas found in stir-frys, or the occasional pea found mixed in with something else. But peas by themselves on a plate? Yecch. And throw some lima beans in there too? Yecch to the tenth power. Yeah, I was a bit of a fussy eater.

Now fresh spinach, squash, broccoli, Brussels sprouts? Yum.

Jerry said...

You said:

"I defy you to prove that any of your wife's brothers made it to adulthood!"

Good point, I was trying to be charitable, but the proof just isn't there.

Bou said...

That is hysterical.

My brain is going, but someone told me recently of having a sister that was having horrible sinus problems. An Xray of the head showed a pearl in the sinus cavity, that had obviously been shoved their when she was very young... now being a teen. She was pretty mortified.

That pea could still be there! Although, we all know that's not the case being organic and all. It would be funny if he made the news, "Head Xray shows Pea in man's head for 49 years!!!"

The Friendly Neighborhood Piper said...

Heard a story once of a 2 year old who was having some sinus trouble so his mom gave him the appropriate medicine and days later nothing had improved and had in fact gotten worse. After a week or more had passed she noticed he had an odor, something was definitely not right, so she took him to the Dr. After examination he extracted a nerf ball that had been shoved up there. He determined it had been lodged in there for a couple weeks! I don't know the accuracy of the story but...its definitely believable.

Bob said...

Bou and Piper--
As much as I love horror stories about all the stuff people stick into their orifices, it occurs to me that it may be best if we don't follow that line too far. My fault -- I started it.

Bartman said...

Bob, Thanks for the Birthday greeting. I really appreciate the fact that not only have you brought an embarrassing moment of my life to the world but you and our brothers... Primarily Roy... did such a good job of training me in proper table behavior. I will say that today not only can I blow a pea out of my nose but at this point you can blow it out your.... sorry that isn't appropriate for this blog. I really do appreciate the thought and hope some day to return the favor... I really mean that in a positive way not as we might have in our youth.
Thanks
Bart

Bob said...

Bart--
I don't think we can lay all the blame for our quaint table manners at Roy's feet.

Happy birthday -- do drop by next time you guys are in the area. (Uncle Bill squealed on you.)